Devil Came to Tea Poem

The devil came on a passer by

I invited him in for tea

He said the choice is yours

The choice for what?

To come follow me

If the world has been cruel and the future bleak

Then perhaps what I offer you can seek

With a spry smile and a twitch of his lips

He announced why I may enlist

For every hardship that has broken your soul

I will give you the tools to take control

If ever the garden flowers wilted to you

I will provide forever warmth and comfort for you

If ever the hearts of others have left a scar

I will show you how to truly mar

If the truths others have spoken, made you a fool

I will lead you to a drowning pool

If the nights are dark and full of sorrow

I will speed it up to tomorrow

But devil surely payment would be due?

His pigment bright and full of flush

He laughed loudly as if it was too much

Oh child what I ask is simple you see

Just follow my instructions to the T

When a kind person greets you

Turn yourself away

When the world needs you

Go off on your own and play

If a loving heart does touch you

Burn it slow and deep

For those sentiments are weak

If a truthful word be spoken

Twist those yarns into lies

If a caring touch reaches you

Learn to despise

And if an angel comes calling

Turn that fellow out

For what else can he talk to you about?

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Daddy Issues: I Wish my Dad was Macgyver 

My mind is melancholy because I know soon enough it will be your day. I am reminded that another year has passed; another year of not knowing you. I am reminded of all the things we missed. The conversations we never had, the dinners, the milestones, and the fact that we never will. I wonder at times if given the choice you would have changed? Would you have traded it all for an hour of time with me? Would you have made a deal with the devil for just one week? If you had known the outcome from the very start would you have continued down the same path? I have been wondering about these things my whole life.

I can say with all honesty growing up was hard. I spent half my life not being able to relate to my friends and peers because of you. Remember that Christmas play I worked so hard at so that you and mom would be proud? I never saw you there. I watched as my friends would embrace their dads and stings of anguish and sadness would fill me up inside. As young as I was I knew in my heart that those feelings would never be mine. I remember all the dads that came to my swim meets cheering the team on and then I looked over to an empty space. I watched the dads of my friends hug their daughters tight as they cried over some “stupid boy.” I watched the look of elation on my peers faces as we graduated and both parents would exclaim “ your father and I are so proud.”  Would you have been proud dad? I can say I truly don’t know. You were gone too soon for me to ask. You were gone because of your selfish choices. You missed out on many things dad, but I was the one that missed out the most.

So many unanswered questions. Would the knowledge that you will never be there to wipe my tears change your heart? I wonder would you have let me go to Prom? Would you protectively wait for me to come home safe and sound? Would you stand with pride at my ceremonies? Would you hug me tight at my failures? Would you have chosen to give me away at my wedding? Dad would it break you to know that every second of time you wasted broke my heart? Dad did you know I kept the lion you gave me? One of the few gifts you ever bought me and I gave it a hug every night. But, there were no “tuck ins” from you and no bedtime stories. I was left waiting in my room with Lion-heart (thats his name) and the nightlight on hoping you would come back. But, you and I know the truth of the matter. You were not coming home and consequently I would never be the same.

I can say that dating was tough too. It still is actually. They say the first guy a girl loves is her father. I have spent half my time dating the wrong people and then running away from the rest. I was never shown how a girl should be treated. I was never told “ no matter what you are worthy.” You taught me the opposite in fact. I made up how you should be in my mind so many times I have lost count. You will be smart like Angus “Mac” Macgyver, funny like Magnum PI, and loving like the father from Full House. But, a girl shouldn’t have to “make up” her father. It is a cold comfort to create an imaginary parent so you can stomach the truth of reality.    

It has been 21 years without you. I have grown up quite a bit since the girl with the nightlight and stuffed lion. But, there are some things you can never grow out of. Things like wishing just for a moment I had been important to you. Sadly, as it turns out wishing is all you have left me with. So on that same vein I will simply say, “I wish you a Happy Birthday.”   

Diary Entry 101

A book I have always related to is Bridget Jones’s Diary. So here’s my version.
A Hypothetical Diary Entry:

Coffees: 2
Making Situations awkward: 7
Brushed my frizzy hair today: check
Hair looks like Ronald McDonald now: check  Number of cats: 1 for now 

As a dating 30 something the outside world can be merciless and cruel. I feel like at this stage in the game when you start dating someone you have to put into perspective quickly if that person is worth the time. Bluntly put, is this someone I can wake up next to for the rest of my life? Or is this a fling where we both are dating someone so we don’t go to our friends’ weddings alone?

Case in point family functions. I dread them. I am the only one who is of marital age who isn’t married. I am either in between dating someone or rolling stag again. Then the questions start to flood. What are you doing now? Seeing anyone? I am doing the same thing I was doing last time you saw me. Then comes the barrage of unwanted advice. ” You need to meet a nice boy, maybe I can introduce you to someone?” Or there’s the ” a friend of mine’s daughter met a really nice boy online.” If I could crawl under the plate of steak and rice pilaf I would. I start to push the rice into thin lines on my plate hoping that organization will help drown out the conversation. This proves ineffective. The conversation usually ends with me being told I “need direction” and I usually want to get out of there before dessert.

If that wasn’t enough then you have your blissfully married friends complaining to you about not starting a family. Texts like “I want to start a family but he said he doesn’t think he is ready yet.” Well at least he married you and is honest. They make comments like “wouldn’t this look cute in a nursery?” Yes. Yes it would look nice in one, but that is far and away from where I am right now. I am starting to wonder if that large abandoned farm with a bunch of cats and bunny slippers is in my future.

Then there is social media. My newsfeed is continuously flooded with photos of engagements, baby ultra sounds, and wedding anniversary updates. Friends post pictures from their beautiful weddings and honeymoons. Then the babies in bonnets with cute expressions, it’s enough to make you think your in a virtual baby calendar. I wish everyone well of course, but I wonder what the heck am I doing wrong? How did I fall so far from the mark?

image

 

A few hours later…

Not sure if the wine helped or the chocolate covered pretzels but I am feeling uplifted. I am fine..everything is good. It’s the little things that matter. Although…my hair still looks a wreck.

 

These images I found while on Pinterest on a tumblr. If these images are copyrighted and the owners would like me to take them down message me and I will.

Pound of Flesh

While listening to the radio I formed the idea for this poem. The message of the song was an ending relationship but the lovers desperately tried one last time. I think most of us have been in that place at one time or another. Enjoy!

Pound of Flesh

And you said okay
And I said alright
We will do that dance
One last time tonight

I will pull you under
Into my skin
Press you closer
Feel you within

I will utter the words
That once filled me
I will listen to your voice
That once thrilled me

My pound of flesh
You will take
One more time
To fill the ache

You will dig deeper
Right into my center
I will embrace you
To make it feel better

My soft wet tears
Will slowly run free
Turning my head away
So you can’t see me

One last dance
One last night
One last time
For us…tonight

Written for me by me. Copyright. Phoenix Rises.

 

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Hope Poem

 

Hope
Concrete walls with spiraling wire
High perimeters guarding her
Fortress of strength
A woman’s defense
Encasing the shards
Protecting a fragmented heart

Burned tissue with eroded holes
Scars covering a wounded soul
Slowing beating wanting more
But the jailor remembers
Whispering in the night

Her jailor tells her to guard
Covet and protect us
In the darkness voices are heard
Remember the dreams we had?
Remember the plans we made?

Plans of girlish fantasy
Girlish dreams of dresses and dances
Flighty love and long romances
Once her heart longed for them all
But age and heartache came

After each of those losses
Walls were built
After every failure
Another wing was added
Sharp glistening metal
Encasing her heart

The loud thunder that once was
Has been muffled to a soft echo
The thrum of beating has slowed
Lights have dimmed
The guard at the door has left

Until a loud knock was heard
Sounds bellowed through the tomb
The heart began to beat once more
A slow steady thud of a hopeful heart

Written for me by me. Copyright. Phoenix Rises.

My Visit with the Cheshire Cat

imageMy absence is due to my fall into a rabbit hole, in a matter of speaking of course. Life sometimes makes things happen all at once, instead of spacing it out for good measure. It seems like going back into my journals I have discovered that around this time every year some change occurs. Perhaps the change in season is to blame or maybe I become bolder when the sun hits its highest point, whatever the reason I have been standing at a cross road.

I have felt like Alice from wonderland these last few weeks. I caught myself wandering around in this strange world trying to discover who I am again. I had to be cautious and careful and discover who is friend and who is foe. I have had to come to grips with the reality of an almost two year relationship coming to an end. It wasn’t that I didn’t care about him or I didn’t wish things were different, I just came to the reality that it was never going further then what it was. I wanted something more from it, and we ultimately wanted different things. As Alice remarked once to herself ” she generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it).” This is a familiar adage, one that I usually voice but never follow. Imagine my surprise however when I do follow it, and it seems like the world is mad and full of empty tea cups.

imageThe trivial things like having all the roses red seem to feel insignificant. I am sure the cards could paint the white roses red but as we all know the “painted” truth will drip away in time. I wish on this journey I could have had a grinning gleeful purple cat, but alas he must have been off reminding the rabbit how late he was. As I walked one Sunday morning through the forest I began to reflect on things. The ending of my relationship has led me to some curious thoughts and even “curiouser” places. I have never truly done anything in life I really wanted. I have hobbies, I have traveled a bit but I long for a purposeful lifelong pursuit. I want to wake up in the morning albeit I am not a morning person, and enjoy my work. But, what work is best for me?

This is when I wish I could have tested it out first like Alice did with the “Eat Me” cookies. Her trial and error was much more immediate and allowed for her to know instantly if it was a mistake. Real life on the other hand reveals rather slowly the result of your choices and most of the time it appears too late to change them. At times in the past two years I have felt like an oyster marching to the Walrus and the carpenters dinner table. Alice and I have found another commonality for “..I could tell you of my adventures…but it’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.” I have long wanted to go back to school for my Masters degree but I have struggled with picking a single focus and concentration for my degree. My new found freedom has allowed me the clarity that was once so hazy.

imageThe “floating” grin of the Cheshire Cat greets me as I approach the opening of a field and things begin to take shape. The confusing maze of topiaries and rose bushes become a simple straight line. The path before me is one that I can travel at my speed. I want to be able to get things back on track for myself. I have spent way too much time already on doing what makes others happy. I want to focus on what will enrich my life and what makes me happy now. That has been something that has been very difficult for me to do in the past but something I feel I must do now. It is at this moment that I wake up next to the river bank listening to my “sister” reading a lesson aloud. I grab my faithful cat Dinah and go in for afternoon tea and as the tea is being poured I think to myself these empty cups won’t be empty forever.

My Mermaid Heart Poem

This poem I have revisited several times over the past few months. The meaning is just as strong to me as it was when I first wrote it. I hope you enjoy it.

Mermaid Heart

Hidden dangers scatter my path

Cobbled stones filled with wrath

But I see the diamonds that glitter there

One is loose, one in a snare

Silence is the keeper of all dreams

Passion is the breaker of many things

But two locks always seem to find

The keys have run away with their minds

And who’s ship did I see go down?

The bust of maiden has run aground

I pillage it till it lays vacant inside

Organizing treasures as if I died

Once the sea starts turning its gown

Then my quiet heart is found

For all the oceans gifts to me

Start to fill their vacancy

I swim just under the wave

A hint of hair a hint of fin

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