Country Girl moves to the City

This year has been a wild ride so far. There were times during it where I have to admit I wasn’t sure what was happening or how it was all going to work out.

I had been actively searching for a job throughout last year and the start of this one. It was depressing the amount of resumes I sent out with no response back. My decision to enroll in school again came after several years of debate. I wanted to make more money and I wanted to give myself skills that would give me the opportunities I was looking for. I also hoped it would show as a plus on my resume. Months of sending out resumes and barely getting any feedback led me to feel like failure. When I finally reached out to several staffing groups that is when I landed myself the job I am in now.

Not in a million years did I think I would finally be in a place where I have my own cubicle and my name plaque on the side. I take the train into town to work, which has been both exciting and claustrophobic at times. Each day I stare up at the tall buildings with awe on my face like a dope. It is crazy to admit but this is the kind of excitement I have been looking for. I can finally dress like a professional instead of the uniforms I had worn in the past or the really casual laid back atmosphere of the job before.

It happened so fast that I barely had time to take stock of all of the stuff I would need for the new job. I interviewed on a Friday and I got the call the following Monday.  My one year anniversary with my wonderful boyfriend was during the second week of my training. He had recently started a new job too and was looking forward to getting his career on the fast track himself. We both were starting out fresh, but together which made it not seem so foreboding. To celebrate our anniversary from one of the tallest buildings in the city was fabulous. But, to have him ask me to move in? Well, now that is even better.

I finally feel like my life is coming into its own. Perhaps this is what they mean when they say “good things come to those who wait.”

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Measurement and Scales

And I was weighed that day silently. I could tell from the look in your eyes that there was something wanting. That among all my freckles and hair, my graces, you had segmented me out into black and red lines. I was missing the parts that mattered most to you. I was absent of the things that you had hoped for. The things I did have, were… just…not enough. I was at a loss of course, because that phantom invisible scale had found me again. The one that everyone uses but doesn’t like to talk about at parties. I was ranked in each category unbeknownst to me, while dinner was being served. I was given a grade next to each on the list. But those numbers, they just didn’t add up for me. I had a remainder you see, I didn’t fit in those clean cut boxes. I spilled over and out of some and I barely filled the box on others. I was a recipe all gone wrong, and you were expecting a culinary masterpiece. I was a disappointment. The weights were heavy and not in my favor. The saddest part, the scales you use and those boxes you fill will never really equal the happiness you seek. But, yours truly with my remainders, my frizz, and my half full boxes will be all the better for it. Thats a sum you can’t figure with numbers and scales.

I apologize for my hiatus. Sometimes it is important to reflect and I needed time to do that.

Phoenix Rises

The phoenix is probably one of my favorite mythical creatures. I can not say it is my top favorite because the mermaid is still number one in my book. In life we can see examples of phoenix everywhere. I admit probably not the bird you have pictured in your mind’s eye, but a rising from the ashes if you will of someone or something. A person who comes back from the brink of death perhaps, or the person you know who under terrible strain overcomes something most thought insurmountable. Nature in its own right can be a phoenix. Fires that rage and eat forests reducing them to ashes, lay the groundwork for nature to be reborn. Perhaps the thing I like the most about the phoenix is this symbolic creature can represent anything but the message always remains the same ” From the ashes I will rise. ”

Phoenix Rises

Grey ash floats to the floor

The once brilliant colors

Have faded into dullness

Wilting and weak

Sad eyes reflect tragedy

One last effort produces

A brilliant spark of light

Slate molts to charcoal black

Charred ashes gather

Collecting in neat piles

A gentle refreshing breeze

Starts to blow–

Specks carried on the air

Begin to change

Black ash turns to white

Whirling in funnels 

A miniature tornado

White dots form an oval

Producing a shiny egg

Out of darkness comes

A pillar of strength

The translucent orb vibrates

Forcing a zig zag crack

Between the fracture

A tiny beak emerges

Forcefully it pushes through

With brilliant turquoise eyes

A head of iridescent shades

Red, rose, orange, feathers

Drape her frame

A glint of gold shines in the light

Blue talons with onyx scales

She is a rare beauty

Forged from fire and ash

Once more she is reborn

But never the same as before.

 

Copyright. Phoenix Rises.

 

Dairy Entry 102: Target you get me

Ohhh Target… you get me! I don’t know how you know me so well but you do. I have discovered a good portion of people including my boyfriend are unfamiliar with it’s glistening “golden ticket” quality but for me it brings about the nostalgia of Bradlees, Ames, or Caldor. I realize those name drops are giving my age away but in comparison I am not far off. The presentation of the aisles the red colors all remind me of entering Bradlees or Ames and thinking“ I can get everything I need right here.”

Case in point: It is the only store I can go in for two items and leave with a cart full of stuff wondering did I forget anything? The other day I went into target for soap, some makeup, and a jacket and left with Christmas ornaments, plates, food, pants, and socks. I felt good about it though, like I was productive. I swear they release positive vibes from the air vents or something as soon as you pass that cute dog mascot on the way in.

Why do I love them so much? They anticipate and know my needs instantly I mean example one: dinner plates. I didn’t mean to get plates but as I was rolling by to get my bagels I noticed the winter theme set up. On an end cap I saw these plates with prancing reindeers and thought to myself “ wow do I have winter plates at home?” “What if I need these?” Clearly a concern around this time of year with entertaining. I stared at the display and wondered “ what about bowls?” Wait a minute look at this matching bowls and obviously you cant have plates without matching bowls right? I mean who wants to put out a nice spread for the holidays with friends without matching bowls? The answer folks is, no one. I glance at the napkins and I resist thinking to myself “ don’t get ahead of yourself you have wonderful gold napkins you don’t need those.” Oh but look at these goblets? Well, heck I know I don’t have goblets. I mean if I am going to get the plates I clearly need these goblets. I just kept thinking of how useful they are, for beverages like mulled cider, frappes, iced tea, and look how nice they are? I mean, four goblets thats not a lot right? I mean when I get right down to brass tax all those cups I’ve thrown out over the years probably bought these goblets 10 times over, it’s a done deal in my cart they go.

They know that I had more of my list than I had originally written down example two: Bargain bins in the front. I don’t know what it is about me and crafts but I love them. Perhaps in another piece I will enlighten you with my withdrawals from Michaels but for now, bins. I love those things! I usually shop there first. I mean where else can I find cute little cut outs and stuff for a 5 bucks or less? I know my dollar store fans are going to cry out but have you tried the cut outs from the dollar store? Some of them are not even worth the dollar. I decided like last year I am making my own Christmas tags, so clearly these cute cut outs are key. Oh snap, they have bottles of Mod Podge? Well, I mean I don’t even think I have any at home so these two bottles are going in my cart. Woah what is this? Ceramic little houses for painting or for decorating? Ohhh Target you…you are good. I have many of those plug in houses at home, but the issue is many of them are targets for my cats. Apparently my furry friends decide to demolish my little village by crushing my trees and trying to bite through the cords. But these little houses, small enough to fit on my mantle and I can put a flameless votive inside! Okay calm down just get one, I mean you have to pace yourself.

Sighs Something that matters to me is neatness with the stores, and variety and so Example three: variety. Look, I am well aware that most don’t appreciate like I do variety in lactose free milks but for me that is key. I have found more choices for flavored almond, soy, and cashew milk at Target than I have at a local grocery store. It doesn’t stop there though they always have more options for household products, beauty products etc. I don’t want to make a bunch of stops to find the products I need, and often Target has items I need that other stores don’t.

After my plate purchase I got home and realized not only do I not have enough room to entertain people but I don’t know enough I want to entertain. Eh it is the thought that counts. If I go back there I will just return the items and think“ do I have ritz crackers at home?” Then before you know it I have small serving plates with little cheese knives and fancy cheese. I’m not saying that I have done this I am just giving you an example. (Right!) I am embracing what is I love Target and there is nothing I can do about it. Target you complete me.

 

Feature Image Courtesy of: http://www.fullredneck.com/funny-target-memes-buying-too-much/

Merman Poem

Mermaids have fascinated me since I was a little girl. This is a twist on the traditional story. The photos are from trips I took to local beaches near me.

Merman

Reflections cast in a mirror

But, it’s not me I see

A girl with hair of gold

Eyes like the sea

Darkness, shadows in my eyes

As storms rage and then subside

Waves crash on the rocks of my heart

Pale as the sand the ocean wears

I search for him I call with eyes closed

 

Praying for him

He is the other half of me

He belongs to me as does the sea

He caresses me like the rain

Soft gentle kisses to numb my pain

On the rock where we met

I wait for him

 

In the strongest storms

I can feel him near

I taste him on the air

I run to the water

Hoping he’s still there

 

But, as I reach where he might have been

The calm of the water says

I’ve missed him again

And just like before

A white shell as promised,

I find 
 On the shore —

 

My rescuer has swam off again

Where he commands all that share his ocean den

His subjects do not reveal his place

On a bed of seaweed sleeping

He waits …for me.

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Ghost of She

This poem is meant to pose the question to the reader.. In the face of loss and despair over the death of a loved one do we become ghosts? What I mean by that is emotionally does the living become trapped in the past?  As ghosts haunt and revisit the places they once left and never move on does the living in its own reality plane do the same? Can both be ghosts? This poem is meant to challenge the ideal that to be a ghost you must be dead… I don’t think you have to be dead to be a ghost.

Ghost of She

My ritual walk begins
Down the path we used to travel
Blustery winds blow the tricolored leaves
I march on past the old fence gate
Creaking it swings to and fro
Loud crunching of leaves
Begins to cancel out my thoughts
Reaching the end of the road
Street lights flicker and hum
Turning to the right, from memory
Pavement old from wear
Crumbles and crunches under my boots
Seeing my mark
I slow to a stop
The house is vacant
Full of dark emptiness
Standing under the elm tree
Leaning on its branches
I wait patiently —
Chimes from the church begin
Ringing in the hour
A soft light appears
Glowing the once bedroom window
The light travels slowly, dutifully
Down the long hallway
Spilling into the void living room
That’s when I see her
Brilliant and white
A delicate face stares out the window
I watch her a moment
Resist the urge to wave
Slowly her features fade
Luminosity dims and vanishes
My walk back is long
Contemplating the reasons why
We both are ghosts
One living and one dead
But of the two —
Who is haunting who?

Homage: Deuxième Partie

The conclusion of my Poem Alzheimer’s (My Homage to The Wasteland)

Part III

“I never meant to cause you trouble, I never meant to cause you harm…”

The dream is real
The danger is near
I am in the tempest of fear
I walk in and there she is
Radio is alive and she’s on the floor
Maybe this too is a dream,
Maybe I am insane?
No one believes me
“I am what I am, I’ll do what I want…I can’t hide…I won’t go…I can’t breathe..”
She is gone in the white van with lights
I am left lost
I know this is the beginning
Of the end.

In and out she goes
Where she stops no one knows
Nursing home, place, assisted living
All adjectives I am sick of
All lost their feeling
Locked ones unlocked ones,
Doors with locks but no key
My mind is a swirl
Why so many times?
Why so many places?
“You used to speak so easy…your afraid to talk to me….it’s like walking with the wounded… out there with the wounded… and were missing you…”
My life is a tempest,
I am the continent being battered
By the storm
My personal El Nino

“Sometimes it takes a long time for the candle to burn out… sometimes it takes a long time for the bird to fly the coup.” (CAH)
I sit there in the dark
Listening to her chat
She and I are from the same cloth
Same blood, same bone
We were on the same page always
But now things are different
The pages are ripped and torn
The book works backwards
Erasing words, thoughts, hopes
I race to read its contents
All that’s left is lost phrases to a song
In my mind I recall a time when we read it together
I am left to read it alone.
The book of life is mine to discover

I walk alone now on this road
With her notes in my head
And his words in my heart
Why can’t I replay time?
I wonder if the choices I make are right
Would they exclaim “Oh, NO!”
Would they say “it will be alright ?”
Time will tell for me
If this book is the one that will save me
Or damn me.
I fill its pages now with hope.

 

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Notes from the Writer: The music mentioned helped form the backdrop for this piece. In Loving Memory of CAH

  1. Christmas in Killarney – Bing Crosby
  2. White Christmas -Bing Crosby
  3. Cheek to Cheek – Fred Astaire
  4. Trouble – Coldplay
  5. Here with me – Dido
  6. Wounded – Third Eye Blind