My absence is due to my fall into a rabbit hole, in a matter of speaking of course. Life sometimes makes things happen all at once, instead of spacing it out for good measure. It seems like going back into my journals I have discovered that around this time every year some change occurs. Perhaps the change in season is to blame or maybe I become bolder when the sun hits its highest point, whatever the reason I have been standing at a cross road.
I have felt like Alice from wonderland these last few weeks. I caught myself wandering around in this strange world trying to discover who I am again. I had to be cautious and careful and discover who is friend and who is foe. I have had to come to grips with the reality of an almost two year relationship coming to an end. It wasn’t that I didn’t care about him or I didn’t wish things were different, I just came to the reality that it was never going further then what it was. I wanted something more from it, and we ultimately wanted different things. As Alice remarked once to herself ” she generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it).” This is a familiar adage, one that I usually voice but never follow. Imagine my surprise however when I do follow it, and it seems like the world is mad and full of empty tea cups.
The trivial things like having all the roses red seem to feel insignificant. I am sure the cards could paint the white roses red but as we all know the “painted” truth will drip away in time. I wish on this journey I could have had a grinning gleeful purple cat, but alas he must have been off reminding the rabbit how late he was. As I walked one Sunday morning through the forest I began to reflect on things. The ending of my relationship has led me to some curious thoughts and even “curiouser” places. I have never truly done anything in life I really wanted. I have hobbies, I have traveled a bit but I long for a purposeful lifelong pursuit. I want to wake up in the morning albeit I am not a morning person, and enjoy my work. But, what work is best for me?
This is when I wish I could have tested it out first like Alice did with the “Eat Me” cookies. Her trial and error was much more immediate and allowed for her to know instantly if it was a mistake. Real life on the other hand reveals rather slowly the result of your choices and most of the time it appears too late to change them. At times in the past two years I have felt like an oyster marching to the Walrus and the carpenters dinner table. Alice and I have found another commonality for “..I could tell you of my adventures…but it’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.” I have long wanted to go back to school for my Masters degree but I have struggled with picking a single focus and concentration for my degree. My new found freedom has allowed me the clarity that was once so hazy.
The “floating” grin of the Cheshire Cat greets me as I approach the opening of a field and things begin to take shape. The confusing maze of topiaries and rose bushes become a simple straight line. The path before me is one that I can travel at my speed. I want to be able to get things back on track for myself. I have spent way too much time already on doing what makes others happy. I want to focus on what will enrich my life and what makes me happy now. That has been something that has been very difficult for me to do in the past but something I feel I must do now. It is at this moment that I wake up next to the river bank listening to my “sister” reading a lesson aloud. I grab my faithful cat Dinah and go in for afternoon tea and as the tea is being poured I think to myself these empty cups won’t be empty forever.