Even though living in the northeast has made me skeptical of spring I was happy to see the sun this past weekend. Easter is usually when we see more sun and warmer weather but this year it has been slow coming. This time of year has always been a time of renewal for me. The chance to get my flower beds in order and clean up the yard. The frequent cold weather and dreary days have put a damper on my spirits.
Perhaps it is only circumstantial but my health hasn’t been the best either. I have been battling for a little over two years now an auto immune disorder. When I get flare ups it takes several days sometimes weeks for me to feel like myself again. My health was always something I took pride in. I was always working out and living a health lifestyle. The strict regime and diet they have me on often makes me so exhausted that the idea of working out seems impossible. It is a hard thing to have to relearn how to be yourself again. I am in mourning for my old self, that’s the only way I can describe it. I keep thinking I am going to wake up one day and things will be the way they once were.
Only a few things besides sleep have helped make me feel better. I was lucky this past holiday weekend to experience those elements that make the days bearable. Family has always been one of the elements that allows me some comfort especially when I get to go out and enjoy their company. Another, is my cats. I live in an apartment that doesn’t allow pets so my cats live with my mom. When I go home and see them it helps me feel alive again. They always come and sit with me, purr in my lap, and look at me with their beautiful gold eyes. Sometimes the look they give me is a knowing one, their eyes say “mom we know you don’t feel well.” It is these times that they help me the most. They follow me around and watch me anxiously waiting for me to go sit so they can come sit next to me. The minute I sit on the couch they are there laying near me trying to say in their own way “things will get better.”
The last and final thing that has helped me is the beach. I can think of thousands of times I have gone to the beach for one reason or another and all of them have been because I needed time to regroup. This weekend I was able to get out and go to the beach. I stood on the jetty and let the wind blow through me. The constant and never changing water that leaves and returns from the shore. The water that splashes and sends spray into the air always leaves me mystified. The air smells and feels different at the beach a pure untainted smell. It has been these things that have helped me get by. I long for the day when I can be more like myself again, my resurrection. Until that day comes I’m going to hold on to my trinity and try and get through the day.